Baby Liam was born on December 19th at 12:11AM, he weighed 9 pounds 15 oz and measured 22.5 inches long at 38 weeks gestation.

There were complications again. I suffered another hemorrhage and they weren’t able to control it enough to stop on its own. I lost 8 units of blood, my blood pressure dipped down to 73 over 37, my veins disappeared and I was extremely close to death. In order to save my life they had to give me an emergency hysterectomy. We’re very glad we told the dr months ago that we were done having kids….now we just have no choice in the matter. They gave me 30 staples with the old-fashioned scar, from belly button to pubic bone. It’s going to be a long recovery, I’m severely anemic again but at least this time I won’t have periods to make recovery take even longer. I’ll also have to start taking counselling soon because I’m having a hard time dealing with my near death experience. I was told before I left the hospital it would be something that could be a possibility. The doctor had sent my placenta and partial uterus to a pathologist and at my 6 week check up I was told that I had placenta accreta.

I’m very happy to have my two boys and be done with pregnancy. My labor with Liam started off slow, but pushing didn’t seem to last that long. I wanted him to be born on the 18th so he could at least have a week between his birthday and Christmas, but to prove to me how stubborn he is going to be (another sagittarius) he came out 11 minutes after midnight on the 19th!!! The poor guy was bruised on his forehead, hand and elbow when he came out. I remember after he came out I heard them tell me how much he weighed and I kept repeating it…there was NO way he could weigh that much…but he did. He’s the only baby I’ve ever seen that came out with a double chin and was so chubby he couldn’t open his eyes. I had an epidural for the most part of the labor, but before I hit 8cms dilated, it wore off and with all the complications I had during pregnancy, they refused to give me more. I felt everything, EVERYTHING!!!! The pain OMG!!! With the separation in my pelvis, it made my hips ache….and pushing made it worse. I remember screaming in pain, begging for drugs. When they gave me the gas, I threw up. They gave me phentynol and it didn’t even take the edge off. I kept thinking to myself “I wanted this, I wanted another baby, this is a gift” but part of me kept saying “shut up already it, f**king hurts!!”. I was trying to ignore the little voice inside my head that reminded me about the hemorrhage with Jacob, which was very easy. It took forever to get his head out, it was HUGE!! There was no cone, just big….round…..massive head. Once he was out, everything started to go downhill.

I remember talking with my doctor (after repeating how much Liam weighed about 10 times) and asking what was wrong. He told me that my placenta wasn’t coming out and I had to push again, but I had nothing left in me. He was pulling on it, I could feel the pressure, he was using the forceps to try to get it out, but nothing worked. Finally, it was out and I felt a big gush….at that moment I knew we had a problem and the doctor told me so when I asked. They were trying to get another IV in me but they couldn’t find a vein in either arm. I remember how much it hurt and the two nurses kept apologizing for causing me so much more pain. I kept passing out and they’d wake me. My sister came over crying and kissed me on the cheek and said she had to go. I was so out of it I didn’t remember her leaving. My poor husband was trying to be by my side but the nurses needed the space. I don’t remember being wheeled out of the delivery room but I remember a nurse running beside the bed taking my nail polish off. I felt sick and couldn’t remember having my baby, I was confused. The ride on the elevator took forever.

They were waiting for me. The doors swung open and there were a bunch of people standing around my doctor. I tried to help them as they slid me over to the other bed but nausea hit again and I threw up all over a little chinese nurse. I could feel the blood gush all the way down, so fast it hit my ankles. I remember saying “I’m gushing, like fucking gush-ING!” and then they put the mask on me. I felt as if I was suffocating and that was it. Everything went black. Then everything went light. No, I’m not saying that I saw a white light and a tunnel but everything was light, like you’re laying in the sun with your eyes closed. It felt like I was out for a long long time. When I woke up, I was incredibly confused. There was this weird feeling of stomach acid in my throat and something was rubbing my legs back and forth. Oddly it felt nice (the leg thing).

The nurse came over and asked me where I was, then asked what I remembered. I was in a lot of pain and I didn’t understand why. I asked her and I could see sadness in her eyes. She told me she wasn’t allowed to discuss what had happened but my doctor would be in to see me in the afternoon. I had no idea what time it was, I had no idea where Jeff was, I had no idea where my baby was….Why was I in the ICU and why were all these machines hooked up to me?? I lifted my arm…It was black, I could barely make out my thick lined skull tattoo on my wrist. I lifted my other arm, I had a huge IV hooked up to it. I looked back at my black forearm, there was a note on the bandage stating it wasn’t to be removed for 24 hours. What was going on?? Why did this happen to me and when?? I felt tired, the drugs barely took the edge off and my throat was burning like never before. I wanted to sit up but I couldn’t, I wanted to scream but I had no voice. The nurse came back again and I was barely able to make out that I wanted to see Jeff and my baby. They called for him but the nurses in the other ward were asking about me….why??? I was getting more and more confused as time went by. Another eternity passed…..

Finally, there he was. My husband was as white as a ghost, his eyes were all teary and I could see the fear from hours before. Then I heard another nurse “is this your gorgeous baby?” but I couldn’t turn my head. I didn’t get to hold Liam for longer than a minute after he was born, they took him off my chest just as fast as they put him on it. I wanted to hold him so bad, I wanted to see his chubby little face. Jeff stroked my hair and kissed my forehead and that’s when I looked in his eyes and asked “did they do what I think they did??” and he nodded. A wave of emotions went through me and I focused on Liam on my chest. He was perfect, he was my little angel. He was rooting around but I couldn’t sit up to feed him. The nurse was kind enough to help but it wasn’t what he wanted. Liam looked at me, turned his head and placed his ear above my heart and fell asleep. It was the second most perfect moment in my life and before I knew it, he had to go back to the nursery and Jeff had to go back to the room the nurses made up for him.

I was alone again….I stared at the window by my feet at what appeared to be a painting of Whoville, but for all I know that could have been the drugs. I passed out again. When I woke up, the nurse was at my side checking my blood pressure and asking if I was in pain. Then I felt the tightness and I couldn’t speak. I passed out again. When I woke up the next time, everything seemed ok. I was still trying to wrap my mind around the hysterectomy and I was thinking about Jacob. I missed him so much. We’d never been apart overnight before and I was wondering what he was doing. I fell asleep again. When I woke this time, the nurse told me the doctor would be there soon. I asked for Jeff & Liam again, this time Jeff was sleeping and only Liam came. It was nice, I held him in silence, listening to his little breaths and tiny moans. It was never long enough and I wanted to sit up. They took him back to the nursery but promised that he’d be in my room as soon as I was transferred. The nurses were called and told the doctor was on his way up and the waiting game started. About 20 minutes later, he finally showed up.

He had told me how I scared him and he explained that he never expected a hemorrhage to that severity. He told me how many units of blood I had lost and that they bandage on my arm was because they had to go straight into an artery to give me blood….that would explain the black bruise. He said that I’d be in the hospital for awhile and recovery could take up to a year but they did leave my ovaries and cervix alone. He mentioned a lot of other things but I still can’t remember them. Soon after that I was pumped full of drugs (demerol, phentynol and voltaren), slid onto another bed and shipped off the maternity ward. And I thought trying to sit up hurt…..

Everyday I was in there, they took my blood and Liam’s. They wanted to make sure my iron count was going up and Liam was jaundiced so they wanted to make sure it was going away as well. Liam ended up going under the UV lights for a long long time and it made us feel horrible when he would lay there crying because he wanted out. His poor little heels looked like pin cushions. Everyday pediatricians would come in and check him and give us the same news….”sorry but he’ll have to stay here another day” and if it wasn’t him, it was me….”sorry but your iron count just isn’t where it should be to be released from the hospital”. The doctor came in several times and finally gave us the run down on what had happened. I couldn’t stop crying, no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t talk. He would say “we tried using a balloon to inflate your uterus to stop the bleeding, we tried injections. You lost 8 units of blood and on top of replacing your blood, we gave you fresh frozen plasma”. Fresh frozen plasma is really interesting stuff actually but that’s another blog, so in the meantime check it out on wikipedia.

The doctor went on: “we almost lost you and the anesthesiologist was telling me to do something. When you lose 10 units of blood, your heart stops so we knew we had to act fast. I didn’t have time to give you the small incision we normally use for c sections, we had no time”. He went on to describe the balloon and how low my blood pressure had went and that he couldn’t figure out why it was such a bad hemorrhage. Jeff sat there silently as I sobbed saying “oh my god!” over and over again. I didn’t see the doctor again for a few days, until I was released actually. He came in to repeat everything he said and I couldn’t thank him enough. I tried…I really tried. And again 6 weeks later when I saw him in the office for my check up, he repeated everything but added that the big mystery of my hemorrhage was placenta accreta. He reminded me that it happens quite a bit and that only 2 or 3 women in Canada die every year from it. It was going to be a long recovery and I needed support, professional and from my family.

I sit here, 4 months later, still fighting back emotions. I’m changed….I’m not the same person I was a year ago. I see things…weird things. I get angry REALLY fast. I can’t help but stare at my scar on a daily basis, hoping it’ll all just go away. I try to be myself around people but I just can’t get the words out some of the time. It’s hard to accept some days and it changes from day to day, one day I’ll be thankful for no more periods, another I’ll hate everything about it. I know it’s going to be a while before I’m back to my normal self but I just can’t wait that long.

And….other big news….Since I was told I had PCOS (polycystic ovary syndrome) and we would never be able to get pregnant again…..Well, we’re pregnant. I’m 26w6d to be exact and it’s ….. a boy. We’re naming him Liam Edward Garfield and he’ll be here before Christmas. So ya, very very busy. I’m currently on bed rest, have been for over a month. It sucks!!!! I’m going crazy!!!! I was promoted at work to kitchen supervisor and was taking on alot of stress and standing non stop for sometimes 9 or 10 hours and by the time I came home I could barely stand to cook dinner without crying in pain. So one day I went to the ER and found out my I’m experiencing Symphysis Pubis Dysfunction…..More big words!!! YAY!!! I can’t have sex, I can’t chase after Jacob, I can’t climb stairs, I have difficulty driving, I have problems putting pants on, underwear causes me soooo much pain since it hugs my pelvis and sleeping, sometimes even just sitting, brings me to tears, the list goes on. BUT almost over….baby’s being born early by c section and my tubes are being tied….*sigh*

Jeff is still working graveyard shift…I’m trying to get him to look for a better job where he can be home more, especially with Baby Liam coming soon. Anyway, I’m off to watch House while I can. I’ll continue writing this post another time.

Thanks for reading!!

I’m working day shifts at work and Jacob’s been in daycare full time lately. The old bastard I was working for at Montana’s got fired late August and a new manager came in….LOVE IT! Recently I went to pick up dinner since we were having company over to watch Quarantine and low and behold….there he was, working at a fast food restaurant…I laughed so hard, karma is definately a bitch! So far since being back at Montana’s, only one person is left from before I left for my surgeries….One! And since I went back, two…Including the one person from before. It’s not hard to work there, it really isn’t. Some people just can’t handle working for a franchise.

Jacob’s back into being potty trained, so far he hates going but will pee on the potty if it’s bedtime and he really doesn’t want to sleep. He’ll go on the potty for Jeff, but not me. Tracy at daycare is helping us with it as well. Jacob also has a dr’s appointment April 1st to find out what’s going on with him. He’s not acting like kids should at his age, he’s not speaking as much as they should be, he’s not calm, he’s constantly running, screaming, destroying stuff, not listening at all etc. We’ve had ADHD thrown at us, certain degrees of Autism, ADD, and a few others I can’t remember right now. We’ll find out, it’s a 45 minute appointment.

I’ve also got 3 more tattoos. I got them in September from a friend of mine who opened up his own shop…still very proud of him and his accomplishments. I got a skull & crossbones with a blue & white polka dot necktie on my inner left wrist and I also got Pablo Picasso’s camels on my big toes. Soon I’ll be getting two koi fish in a half sleeve on my left arm, japanese style waves, kanji representing both my mom & dad. My parents have also picked out the colors for “their” fish. I can’t wait! I also plan on getting a tiny unicorn for my Grandma….she’s OBSESSED with them and says she has no more room for unicorns anywhere in her house. We’ll see what I end up doing. Also since I last blogged, I’ve been experimenting with more haircolors. I was red & black last summer when I went back to Montana’s, then black & pink, now black & purple. Next, black & blue.

I should go get ready for work….We’re sick with the flu right now, it’s not fun!

About few months ago a friend of mine, Leah, told me about these bags her sisters & her making and auctioning off with the proceeds going to the adoption of a little Columbian girl. I checked out the site, checked out the bags. I had made my mind up that I was going to donate every single peice of fabric I had, all discontinued fabrics from City Furniture. About a month ago, Leah was in Kamloops for the weekend so I packed up all the fabrics in a HUGE duffle bag and brought them to the hotel for her. She was sooo happy when she saw what I brought her. She said her sister was going to pee her pants when she saw it all….I guess her sister was just as happy. They’ve got alot of fabric being donated to them and the bags are very nicely done.

Check them out! Bid on a bag! Support them! Tell your friends!

Bags for Zaza!

I have been back for about 2 weeks and only had a few problems with one girl…she’s SO slow and gives everyone attitude when we tell her what needs to be done. I had a talk with her on Tuesday before she started her shift and she was fine while I was talking to her…I was super nice about it but once I turned my back she did nothing but complain about it. I hate two faced people. I don’t work with her until…Saturday I think and it’ll be interesting to see how it goes. If I get any more attitude I’ll be taking Sam, Suzy & Jess’s advice and start screaming. I really should start, I hate being so nice.

Jacob’s not being potty trained anymore. We figure we’d back off for a bit since we’re starting a whole new routine for him and he should get used to things. It’s going pretty good, he’s went on the potty twice all by himself so far. Pretty good I’d say. The last time, Jeff was home with the stomach flu (we all were last week) and Jacob turned on the bathroom light, peed on the potty, grabbed a new pull up and smacked Jeff over the head with it. Jeff called me freaking out because he was so happy…and I yelled out my Proud Parent moment to all the cooks on the line when I had talked to Jeff.

Cleaning is hell. I’ve been working so much that I’m barely sleeping (getting home between 11 and 12, sleeping an hour later, waking up with Jacob around 6am everyday) and I don’t have energy to clean. We had a big mess in our kitchen so today I finally had enough and cleaned the whole apartment, right down to the bathroom floor being scrubbed. I’m all sticky and sweaty….YUCK! My cat doesn’t like me too much right now, she hates the vacuum and I was pretty much chasing her with it LOL no intentionally but each time she’d run into a room, I’d have to follow her and do the floors. Very funny!

My parents came up to visit the same week I started back at Montana’s. I was upset that I didn’t get to spend anytime with them but they promised to come back for another visit when I have time off. I’ll be letting them know about my schedule and they’ll come when I have two or more days off. I can’t wait! I plan on going to 100 Mile in September for a few days. See my family, visit with them and possibly see some old friends. I miss watching Jacob, Kirsten & Ryan play. Corina lives in town and I can’t wait to see Jacob run around in her backyard with Ryan in tow. I miss Nanny (my Grandma) too.

Monday (Aug 4th) is Jeff & I’s anniversary. First wedding anniversary and fourth anniversary all together. We’re not doing anything that day since we both have to work but on the 5th we’re heading off to see The Dark Knight together. We’ve never been to a movie in a theater together…strange I know. Come to think of it, I’ve never been to a theater here..ever. Hard to believe we’ve been married a year…where’d the time go? Extremely hard to believe that Jacob will be 3 in November! Where the **** did my baby boy go??

Anyway, I’m sticky..sweaty and in desperate need of a shower before I go pick Suzy up to come over for dinner. YAY! SUZY!!!

We’re also potty training Jacob….O god! What an adventure that is. He’s pretty good at holding it all night (which he did all by himself before we started potty training) and most of the time he’s good at going first thing in the morning. Our biggest problem is when he comes into our room first thing in the morning, we just want to stay in bed and cuddle with him and unfortunately, that doesn’t work with potty training him. But we’re giving him rewards for going on the potty and we have one of those ones that play music when he goes. We just have to get the pee down before we start working on the poop. That’ll be lovely!

I quit my job at Jill’s On McGill because the boss was screaming and swearing at me about a high end catering job. And it’s been about a month since I worked. I was talking to my old boss, well one of them, and inquired about getting a job again at Montana’s. So on Tuesday I went to have a meeting (smoke on the patio with Michael) and he was VERY excited to hear that I wanted to come back. He even made it so I won’t be doing prep on the weekends and I’ll be the one replacing the prep bitch when she goes on vacation. I’m getting paid more money than I was the last time, which he also offered me. It’ll be nice! I’ll also be getting more hours in a sense too. I start on Wednesday. My daycare lady even said she’d watch Jacob while I worked in the evenings and will drive Jacob home afterwards when Jeff gets home. SWEET!!! Now all I have to do is nail down this weekend babysitter and we’ve got ourselves a good time.

Things with Jeff & I have been….OK. The usual fights and squabbles but what married couple doesn’t have those? Our first wedding anniversary is in less than a month and we won’t be doing the usual giving of the gifts either. We’ll be opening up a savings account and every month we’ll be putting $20 in it and will NOT touch it. Every anniversary we will decide how it will be spent on us as a couple. Another thing we’ll be doing is setting goals and actively pursuing them. For me it’ll be weight loss with a realistic amount. For Jeff, I’m not sure what he plans on doing. We’ll keep track of any weight loss each week and work out solutions on how to keep it up. Eating better, going out for walks, exercising when we can, taking better care of ourselves. I’m serious about this now. No more beating around the bush or making excuses. This time will be different.

I’m a horrible person for thinking these thoughts.

I’ve been distancing myself from friends lately because I get so upset so easily. I’ve come to terms with the fact that I’m that girl from high school that no one can stand but they keep in contact with her out of pity. I look at everyone else’s pictures on Facebook and they’re so happy. They have money to pay bills and they have everything they’ve ever wanted, things come so easily for them. They’ve either got a great job or their husband does, they’ve got a nice car, they’ve got looks, they’ve got the brains and they’ve got their life plans set out and have everything figured out. Me? I can’t even stand to look in the mirror let alone stand the fact that other people have to put up looking at me when I walk into a room.

I’m such a disgusting pig!

I can’t smile and be truthful at the same time. Perhaps I’m supposed to feel this way all the time. I’m supposed to be that girl who sits at home with her husband and does nothing with her life except take care of her husband and child.

That’s me.

This used to be Jacob’s room. Not too sure what it is now. Nothing is where it’s supposed to be. I’m the one who has to keep it clean because I am the only one who does it. *sigh*

http://bagsforzaza.blogspot.com

or check out

http://pluckymama.wordpress.com

This is such a life changing cause. She got the idea from

http://bags4darfur.blogspot.com

and has an amazing turn out. They put the bags up for auction and see where it goes from there. I think it’s awsome. SO please, check them out, bid on a bag, donate a bit of money to this cause, change a life. Is it worth your time?

Why have you dealt me these questionable cards? Why have you chosen to make me believe that I would be better off working at **** ** ******? I’m so miserable there and I get treated like shit. Yesterday my boss did nothing but swear at me and tell me “I should fucking know better” because I didn’t set up the tables for his high end catering job as fast as he wanted me to..Well first of all, I’d never catered ANYTHING for them before and second of all, nothing was ready for our stuff when I got there. I’m so confused about what to do right now. I’m so depressed and I feel so useless all the time. I even miss working at Montana’s….that says alot. I got treated like shit in front of news crews, the public and the MAYOR of Kamloops. I want to quit but I don’t know where to go or what to do.

My marriage. Most of the time I just want to throw my hands up in the air and give up. Throw in my towel and walk away from it all. I constantly feel as if he’s going to cheat on me (he doesn’t give me a reason to think he won’t) and I feel used and unloved almost everyday. Jeff says he loves me and always asks what’s wrong with me or why I’m so depressed. I gently shed my tears and tell him “I’m just down, that’s all”. I can’t bring myself to telling him the truth about how I feel because I know it’ll start a fight…and that’s what I don’t want. He never reads my blogs so I don’t have to worry about that. Out of nowhere he’ll start talking about how much he wants us to lose weight and my brain instantly tells me he hates the way I look. *sigh* I don’t know anymore. What do you do when you just don’t feel loved?

I also need to come to terms with the fact my husband will ALWAYS be a porn addict, no matter what I say to make him stop. He’ll come up with different ways to hide it all the time. He also calls random girls on his facebook/msn at night when I’m not home, which is very upsetting. Pretty sure this is all connected too. He’s told me many times “we went to school together” or “I’ve known her for years” etc etc but I know they had just met on facebook randomly. He still talks to the girl who sent him those damned pics of her tits and her sex toys. Who knows if she’s sent more to him since he deletes everything out of his inboxes, deletes his junk mail and empties his trash asap. He’s too secretive. Why didn’t I realize this before?

What do I do? Where do I go?

I just wanna sit here and eat my frozen fruit and be in peace.

(Please do not leave rude comments about what I should or shouldn’t be doing, I’m a little sick of those)