So here I am, again. Updating much later than what I had planned, so let’s get everyone up to speed, shall we?
Baby Liam was born on December 19th at 12:11AM, he weighed 9 pounds 15 oz and measured 22.5 inches long at 38 weeks gestation.
There were complications again. I suffered another hemorrhage and they weren’t able to control it enough to stop on its own. I lost 8 units of blood, my blood pressure dipped down to 73 over 37, my veins disappeared and I was extremely close to death. In order to save my life they had to give me an emergency hysterectomy. We’re very glad we told the dr months ago that we were done having kids….now we just have no choice in the matter. They gave me 30 staples with the old-fashioned scar, from belly button to pubic bone. It’s going to be a long recovery, I’m severely anemic again but at least this time I won’t have periods to make recovery take even longer. I’ll also have to start taking counselling soon because I’m having a hard time dealing with my near death experience. I was told before I left the hospital it would be something that could be a possibility. The doctor had sent my placenta and partial uterus to a pathologist and at my 6 week check up I was told that I had placenta accreta.
I’m very happy to have my two boys and be done with pregnancy. My labor with Liam started off slow, but pushing didn’t seem to last that long. I wanted him to be born on the 18th so he could at least have a week between his birthday and Christmas, but to prove to me how stubborn he is going to be (another sagittarius) he came out 11 minutes after midnight on the 19th!!! The poor guy was bruised on his forehead, hand and elbow when he came out. I remember after he came out I heard them tell me how much he weighed and I kept repeating it…there was NO way he could weigh that much…but he did. He’s the only baby I’ve ever seen that came out with a double chin and was so chubby he couldn’t open his eyes. I had an epidural for the most part of the labor, but before I hit 8cms dilated, it wore off and with all the complications I had during pregnancy, they refused to give me more. I felt everything, EVERYTHING!!!! The pain OMG!!! With the separation in my pelvis, it made my hips ache….and pushing made it worse. I remember screaming in pain, begging for drugs. When they gave me the gas, I threw up. They gave me phentynol and it didn’t even take the edge off. I kept thinking to myself “I wanted this, I wanted another baby, this is a gift” but part of me kept saying “shut up already it, f**king hurts!!”. I was trying to ignore the little voice inside my head that reminded me about the hemorrhage with Jacob, which was very easy. It took forever to get his head out, it was HUGE!! There was no cone, just big….round…..massive head. Once he was out, everything started to go downhill.
I remember talking with my doctor (after repeating how much Liam weighed about 10 times) and asking what was wrong. He told me that my placenta wasn’t coming out and I had to push again, but I had nothing left in me. He was pulling on it, I could feel the pressure, he was using the forceps to try to get it out, but nothing worked. Finally, it was out and I felt a big gush….at that moment I knew we had a problem and the doctor told me so when I asked. They were trying to get another IV in me but they couldn’t find a vein in either arm. I remember how much it hurt and the two nurses kept apologizing for causing me so much more pain. I kept passing out and they’d wake me. My sister came over crying and kissed me on the cheek and said she had to go. I was so out of it I didn’t remember her leaving. My poor husband was trying to be by my side but the nurses needed the space. I don’t remember being wheeled out of the delivery room but I remember a nurse running beside the bed taking my nail polish off. I felt sick and couldn’t remember having my baby, I was confused. The ride on the elevator took forever.
They were waiting for me. The doors swung open and there were a bunch of people standing around my doctor. I tried to help them as they slid me over to the other bed but nausea hit again and I threw up all over a little chinese nurse. I could feel the blood gush all the way down, so fast it hit my ankles. I remember saying “I’m gushing, like fucking gush-ING!” and then they put the mask on me. I felt as if I was suffocating and that was it. Everything went black. Then everything went light. No, I’m not saying that I saw a white light and a tunnel but everything was light, like you’re laying in the sun with your eyes closed. It felt like I was out for a long long time. When I woke up, I was incredibly confused. There was this weird feeling of stomach acid in my throat and something was rubbing my legs back and forth. Oddly it felt nice (the leg thing).
The nurse came over and asked me where I was, then asked what I remembered. I was in a lot of pain and I didn’t understand why. I asked her and I could see sadness in her eyes. She told me she wasn’t allowed to discuss what had happened but my doctor would be in to see me in the afternoon. I had no idea what time it was, I had no idea where Jeff was, I had no idea where my baby was….Why was I in the ICU and why were all these machines hooked up to me?? I lifted my arm…It was black, I could barely make out my thick lined skull tattoo on my wrist. I lifted my other arm, I had a huge IV hooked up to it. I looked back at my black forearm, there was a note on the bandage stating it wasn’t to be removed for 24 hours. What was going on?? Why did this happen to me and when?? I felt tired, the drugs barely took the edge off and my throat was burning like never before. I wanted to sit up but I couldn’t, I wanted to scream but I had no voice. The nurse came back again and I was barely able to make out that I wanted to see Jeff and my baby. They called for him but the nurses in the other ward were asking about me….why??? I was getting more and more confused as time went by. Another eternity passed…..
Finally, there he was. My husband was as white as a ghost, his eyes were all teary and I could see the fear from hours before. Then I heard another nurse “is this your gorgeous baby?” but I couldn’t turn my head. I didn’t get to hold Liam for longer than a minute after he was born, they took him off my chest just as fast as they put him on it. I wanted to hold him so bad, I wanted to see his chubby little face. Jeff stroked my hair and kissed my forehead and that’s when I looked in his eyes and asked “did they do what I think they did??” and he nodded. A wave of emotions went through me and I focused on Liam on my chest. He was perfect, he was my little angel. He was rooting around but I couldn’t sit up to feed him. The nurse was kind enough to help but it wasn’t what he wanted. Liam looked at me, turned his head and placed his ear above my heart and fell asleep. It was the second most perfect moment in my life and before I knew it, he had to go back to the nursery and Jeff had to go back to the room the nurses made up for him.
I was alone again….I stared at the window by my feet at what appeared to be a painting of Whoville, but for all I know that could have been the drugs. I passed out again. When I woke up, the nurse was at my side checking my blood pressure and asking if I was in pain. Then I felt the tightness and I couldn’t speak. I passed out again. When I woke up the next time, everything seemed ok. I was still trying to wrap my mind around the hysterectomy and I was thinking about Jacob. I missed him so much. We’d never been apart overnight before and I was wondering what he was doing. I fell asleep again. When I woke this time, the nurse told me the doctor would be there soon. I asked for Jeff & Liam again, this time Jeff was sleeping and only Liam came. It was nice, I held him in silence, listening to his little breaths and tiny moans. It was never long enough and I wanted to sit up. They took him back to the nursery but promised that he’d be in my room as soon as I was transferred. The nurses were called and told the doctor was on his way up and the waiting game started. About 20 minutes later, he finally showed up.
He had told me how I scared him and he explained that he never expected a hemorrhage to that severity. He told me how many units of blood I had lost and that they bandage on my arm was because they had to go straight into an artery to give me blood….that would explain the black bruise. He said that I’d be in the hospital for awhile and recovery could take up to a year but they did leave my ovaries and cervix alone. He mentioned a lot of other things but I still can’t remember them. Soon after that I was pumped full of drugs (demerol, phentynol and voltaren), slid onto another bed and shipped off the maternity ward. And I thought trying to sit up hurt…..
Everyday I was in there, they took my blood and Liam’s. They wanted to make sure my iron count was going up and Liam was jaundiced so they wanted to make sure it was going away as well. Liam ended up going under the UV lights for a long long time and it made us feel horrible when he would lay there crying because he wanted out. His poor little heels looked like pin cushions. Everyday pediatricians would come in and check him and give us the same news….”sorry but he’ll have to stay here another day” and if it wasn’t him, it was me….”sorry but your iron count just isn’t where it should be to be released from the hospital”. The doctor came in several times and finally gave us the run down on what had happened. I couldn’t stop crying, no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t talk. He would say “we tried using a balloon to inflate your uterus to stop the bleeding, we tried injections. You lost 8 units of blood and on top of replacing your blood, we gave you fresh frozen plasma”. Fresh frozen plasma is really interesting stuff actually but that’s another blog, so in the meantime check it out on wikipedia.
The doctor went on: “we almost lost you and the anesthesiologist was telling me to do something. When you lose 10 units of blood, your heart stops so we knew we had to act fast. I didn’t have time to give you the small incision we normally use for c sections, we had no time”. He went on to describe the balloon and how low my blood pressure had went and that he couldn’t figure out why it was such a bad hemorrhage. Jeff sat there silently as I sobbed saying “oh my god!” over and over again. I didn’t see the doctor again for a few days, until I was released actually. He came in to repeat everything he said and I couldn’t thank him enough. I tried…I really tried. And again 6 weeks later when I saw him in the office for my check up, he repeated everything but added that the big mystery of my hemorrhage was placenta accreta. He reminded me that it happens quite a bit and that only 2 or 3 women in Canada die every year from it. It was going to be a long recovery and I needed support, professional and from my family.
I sit here, 4 months later, still fighting back emotions. I’m changed….I’m not the same person I was a year ago. I see things…weird things. I get angry REALLY fast. I can’t help but stare at my scar on a daily basis, hoping it’ll all just go away. I try to be myself around people but I just can’t get the words out some of the time. It’s hard to accept some days and it changes from day to day, one day I’ll be thankful for no more periods, another I’ll hate everything about it. I know it’s going to be a while before I’m back to my normal self but I just can’t wait that long.
