Archive for March, 2008

Trust is a word thrown around these days

{ March 24, 2008 @ 5:50 am } · { Uncategorized }
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How can you really trust someone? Could you trust them with your life? Could you trust them with your child? Could you trust them with your darkest secret? Could you trust them with your car? Could you trust them with your heart??

I can’t.

I am not able to trust people these days. It’s just something that’s aquired in me over time. Backstabbing friends, bad relationships, betrayal, lies, broken promises…etc etc the list goes on.
I cannot fully put myself into a relationship whether it be friendship or otherwise, I can’t do it. I know I’m married but I can’t even trust my own husband. What’s a marriage without trust?
I’ve been so hurt in the past and present. It doesn’t want to leave me, always popping it’s nasty little head up every now and then. Ruining perfect moments shared by loved ones, a nice hug, a gentle kiss, a good laugh. Walk around the corner and there it is…..the thoughts….no they’re not voices in my head….just my inner self telling me that whoever I was just with is thinking of how horrible I am to be around. It could be anything from the way I look to the way I act or even what’s going on in my life. I hate having drama in my life. I really do hate it. But I can’t escape it, no matter what I do. I can’t sleep much at night and when I do I’m haunted by the thoughts that haunt me during the day. I know I’m a little bit crazy…..that’s what makes me fun most of the time. I’m constantly worried that my husband is going to cheat on me or break my heart again. I’m constantly worried while I’m at work that he’s going to cam with another chick or have cyber sex with them while our son is napping. All of this has driven me over the edge. I don’t know what to do anymore. I’m simply stuck in a metaphorical bubble of my own insanity, if you will.

I really wish I knew what to do. I can never believe what Jeff tells me when I find something on the internet. I get pushed farther and farther away with each word that comes out of his mouth. Some of the time he can’t even make eye contact. He comes towards me wanting a hug and I can’t bring myself to wrap my arms around him and accept his display of affection. Sometimes I think to myself “why should I?” or “what have I ever done to deserve this pain?”. Today I thought things were so messed up that I even considered the big D word….Let’s say it together now….Divorce. I know, big step right? Jeff never really sits down and asks me what’s going on. He’d rather make friends on the internet, play games, watch wrestling or read up on the latest WWE or UFC news. What’s a girl to do? I’ve talked to friends and they all say the same thing….”maybe you should split up for awhile” or “have you ever thought of leaving?”. It’s all the same. I feel so neglected. I feel so…..taken advantage of. Which makes me feel even more depressed about everything.

What have I done so wrong to feel this way? I feel like such a horrible wife. My own husband is bored with me…he’s admitted it to other people. He says it’s all a joke, but I know it’s the truth. It hurts. It really does. That pain that collects in the middle of your chest and spreads to your whole body. I just want to be loved. I often feel like I’m the only one in love in this relationship. That’s the truth.

How can I last in a one sided relationship?

What goes on behind the broken glass

{ March 19, 2008 @ 7:04 pm } · { Uncategorized }
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My life is a mess. Completely up in the air, never know when things are going to shatter. So much sadness, so much anger. I don’t know who to trust, who to talk to or what to do with myself. When it’s just me (Jeff’s at work and Jacob’s sleeping or playing in his room) I feel so down, so alone, so out of place. Nothing feels right, nothing makes me happy, nothing can bring me out of this never ending cycle of depression. When Jeff is home, I can’t help but think of all the women he talks to on the internet and what he talks to them about. Running certain scans on the computer to see what websites he goes to when I’m not here makes me even more depressed and angry. Of course, he denies it…why would he tell me and let us get into ANOTHER fight? I can’t work nights anymore, I just can’t do it. It’s bullshit. My marriage is falling apart and I’m so tired from trying to fix it all the time. I just want to cry and sleep, that’s all I want to do. I don’t want to face this sham of a marriage….this loveless relationship…..this…….I don’t even know what it is anymore.

People tell me I need to see my doctor and get help…I don’t want to take pills that will mask what I’m really feeling inside. I’ve never been one of those happy people who have everything handed to them and have never had a REAL problem in their life. My parents were anything but rich and growing up meant that I would wear hand me downs from my sister and money was always tight. I think part of my depression comes from the fact that I see our marriage going down the same path…except my dad didn’t talk to other women or look at porn…or lie.

I’ve tried to talk to Jeff over and over again but the words just don’t come out. I’m so scared to tell him what I truly feel and what I don’t feel. I still love him but I feel like I’m the only one who’s doing any loving. I’ve gotten so depressed I’ve stopped cleaning and caring what this place looks like….or even smells like. I know it’s not healthy for Jacob and I never let it get overly dirty or stinky. I ask Jeff to clean on his day off when I’m working and nothing gets done…even if it’s just a few things, he does nothing. He’d rather sit on the computer and chat with his friends and play games than do the few things that I ask of him.

Life just isn’t working out for me.

………………….

{ March 14, 2008 @ 6:15 pm } · { Uncategorized }
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429 people have read my blog…only 4 or 5 people leave comments LOL

It’s harmless…or is it?

{ March 13, 2008 @ 6:04 pm } · { Uncategorized }
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I flirt…I’m not ashamed to say it. I flirt ALOT..guys, girls…doesn’t matter to me. I even sexually grope co-workers (female) because well….we all do it. Lately, I’ve been flirting and telling Jeff about it…BIG MISTAKE! I got home last night with scrapes on my chest/shoulder/collar bone and told Jeff what happened..

Earlier that night:
I have this thing where I put nacho chips in people’s shirt pockets and crush them into a find grind. Last night I was doing it to a few people when Wayde tried to do it to me. I blocked my pocket and he still tried to get me. So I turned out of the way while he crushed chips and rubbed them all over the skin he could reach. That fucking hurt!

So after I told Jeff the story, he got mad and told me I wasn’t supposed to let guys touch me that way….What way? It wasn’t like he grabbed my tits or my ass. Everyone at work jokes around in a sexual manner.

Also earlier that night:
Suzy asked me to wipe down the stainless steel below the grill. I get on my hands and knees and she starts pretending like we’re having sex doggy style….wayde proceeds to do the same motions…but to my head. After I’m done wiping it all down, I get up and wipe my mouth. Everyone laughs.

Jeff loves it when I tell him the stories of groping girls and girls groping me. Of course he would…..he’s a man. The minute I mention one of the guys I work with…his smile disappears. I’m not that good looking and it makes me feel good when I flirt..it’s harmless. He can sit on the computer and flirt with a bunch of women and I’m not supposed to get upset about it at all. How does that work? Women can flirt with him and hit on him and vice versa…but I’m not allowed to do it?

Other things happening in my life:

Jacob: Momma, DDD!
Me: Would you like to watch a movie?
Jacob: DDD!
Me: DVD?
Jacob: Ok!
*He grabs my hand and pulls*
Jacob: UP!
*Pulls me over to the DVD cabinet and points*
Jacob: Peas?
Me: Transformers again? Jacob, I really don’t think so.
Jacob: *Throws himself on the ground and whines. Gets up a few seconds later and pulls my closer to the DVD cabinet* Momma! Come on!
Jacob: Jackass!
Me: I don’t think so Jacob. What about this one?
*Jacob grabs case, looks at front, turns over “reads back”, passes back to me and waits for another. When we finally find one he wants to watch……….*
Jacob: Peas? *Passes it back to me, grabs my hand and pulls me to the DVD player*
Me: Would you like a cookie too?
Jacob: POOKIE!!!!!
Me: Where’s Pookie?
*Jacob runs to his room, grabs his beloved teddy bear (Pookie) squeezes him, kisses him and passes him to me so I’ll do the same..runs to corner of sectional and sits on the floor*
This is where I lose my son until the opening credits are over…then he has lost all interest in watching a movie. I sit back and am totally amazed with how much he can communicate without having to talk. The dr says it’s a sign of intelligence and I started thinking that maybe he was switched at the hospital LOL.

He’s had another night terror since I last wrote. We’ve adjusted his naptime and he doesn’t sleep as much anymore, so hopefully things will be ok now. His bedtime is also later than normal too. We’ll see how things can go.

19 days left til my first surgery….yay!

Big Day Of Firsts

{ March 5, 2008 @ 5:03 pm } · { Uncategorized }
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Yesterday we picked up Jacob’s potty and his new blinds. I wanted him to get acquainted with the potty so I stripped him down and sat him down, he kept asking “what’s that?” as he pointed to the inside. I kept telling him “you pee-pee in there” and by the 3rd time I said it, he was peeing. WOW! Our little boy peed on the potty. And it’s one of those potty’s where it plays music when they pee or poop. So anyway…we get to showertime and I ask if he wants to use the potty. I strip him down and he stands there, like daddy, and pees all over the floor in front of the potty. I told him “no-no-no on the potty” while I sat him down…he then finished on the potty and said “yay!” clapping his hands when he heard music. Last night was great, we were so proud of him. Until……we woke up to hear “hi” at 4:32am, followed by ALOT of sniffles and him trying to catch his breath. We’re not sure what happened but Jacob opened his door and came to our room for comfort, for the first time EVER last night. It was sad and heartbreaking. He laid there inbetween Jeff & I sniffling and trying not to start crying again. Jeff inspected the bedroom to see what had made him cry and nothing was out of the ordinary so we tried to get him to go back to sleep in his room. Of course, I had to lay on the floor with my hand on the edge of the bed so he could hold it. He fell asleep around 6am and I’ve been up off and on since then. Poor little guy. I wish I knew what made him so upset. He had a pretty good day yesterday, we picked out his pull-ups, peed on the potty, had fun chasing each other around like usual, walked all over the place, went for car rides…..not sure what could have made him so upset. Here’s hoping that naptime and tonight goes alot better….