Archive for February, 2008
{ February 29, 2008 @ 6:01 pm }
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{ Tags: depression, family, kids, life, marriage, money, work }
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Nothing is fair, especially when it comes to work. Every boss has their favs, they give them special treatment and everyone else gets treated like shit. I know I’m not getting my raise anymore, just like I’m not getting my job review and I’ll be working as a prep cook until I quit. I’ve told the managers many times that I don’t want to do prep anymore, that I want to be a full time cook. No one listens to me, why should they? Out of all the people that were there when I started, there’s Suzy, Ryan, Sam, Michael and Ilonka left. Sam and Michael are both managers, Suzy and Ryan are both cooks (who have been there basically since they opened their doors about 4 yrs ago) and Ilonka…..the other prep cook who constantly fucks me over…..I hate her. I don’t find it right that I’ve been working there almost a year and I’m making less money than everyone else (including people that walk in off the street and get hired). I do alot of work there, I’m a prep cook working as hard as anyone can, I’m a line cook working just as hard as everyone else. I do extra cleaning when no one else wants to, most of the time I’m the one who asks for extra cleaning to do. I do what I’m told, no one has to ride my ass to get it done….although Suzy says she’d like to LOL. I love my co-workers (minus one or two) and I don’t want to leave. But I know I’m not getting a raise, the boss likes to play favs and I’m not one of them. I think alot of this bullshit has been making my depression worse. If I’m not good enough for a raise, why am I training new people? Shouldn’t I get a raise if I know what I’m doing and passing that knowledge down to others? I’m seriously considering leaving that place VERY soon.
I had a job offer at a new restaurant here, The Smokey Barrel Bar & Grill. It’s about 4 blocks from my place and they’re open til 3am most nights. Good food. Nice people. Jeff & I know that we can’t take much more of me working nights. Our marriage suffers and we need to be a couple, not just two people who see each other for a few minutes in the day. And Jacob, he’s starting to cry when I leave for work again. Breaks my heart to know that he misses me that much that he has to cry. He’s so young he doesn’t understand. Last night Jeff was saying that he wishes that we could afford for me to stay home 24/7. He misses the time we used to have together when I was a stay at home mom. The place was always clean, dinner was always fresh and we were always in better moods. Even when I work during the day, dinner is never done when we need it, Jacob always cries because he’s hungry and we fight because we’re stressed out and tired. I just miss my boys. I miss the life we used to have together. I hate that we’re both taken advantage of at work. We’re both hard workers and our bosses don’t realize that….and they don’t care to realize it. Jeff’s boss would rather pay people (of his own race) better than the ONE person who can speak english and get everything done. I’m not racist, I just get pissed off when I ask him how his day was and people can’t understand what he’s saying to them because they can’t speak a word of english….Then his boss needs him to get everything done in the warehouse AND be on delivery because no one else can speak english. It’s not fair to do that….Then his boss gets mad because everything wasn’t done in the warehouse. Why is it that bosses always get pissed off and say they can do a better job than their employees? I’d honestly like to see Michael or Sid get their hands dirty and try to do Jeff’s job (sid) or my job (michael).
{ February 23, 2008 @ 5:52 am }
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Not only did I get fucked over at work today…..AND wednesday. But someone is passing my blog off as their own. Kira Goldenberg (whoever that is) has been posting links to my blog as her own. Whoever she is….that’s pretty low. I’m VERY pissed off about this and I wish there was something I could do. The lowest part was that it was a blog about Jacob being sick that was posted as her own. My own son with a picture! She’s got some fucking nerve!
{ February 20, 2008 @ 8:27 pm }
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{ Uncategorized }
{ Tags: babies, decisions, family, kids, marriage, pregnancy, stress, weight loss, work }
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Jeff & I agreed that we wouldn’t have anymore kids after Jacob because we simply could not afford it. Problem is, he’s got it in his head that we can. Everytime he sees a pregnant lady or a baby..or a pregnant lady with a baby…he starts asking if we can have another baby. Today he called me from work to ask if I wanted another baby and if we could start trying. I usually stick to the same story “we can’t afford it”, “money’s tight as it is with just jacob”, “I don’t know if my body can handle another pregnancy and labor”, “baby stop teasing me” and so on. We both really want another baby, REALLY BAD! I’ve been dreaming about it at night. Dreaming of our little baby and Jacob loving it to pieces. In the back of my head I think of all the fights we had when Jacob was a baby and all the problems we had. It scares me. I don’t want to go down that road again. I get so worried about money that I get sick to my stomach. I want Jacob to grow up with as much as we can give him. In order for us to have another baby, Jeff needs to get a better job and make more money. I want to wait and have another baby later on, but I also want to get it over with now. I know there’s no way we can afford another baby right now. Plus, with my job I do alot of heavy lifting over my head and crouching down in tight spaces……having a big pregnant belly wouldn’t work well with that. And I know that my pants and shirt in my uniform wouldn’t fit very well when my belly got bigger……o god, what do we do?
I definately need some clarity and strength for this one. I’m still losing weight and getting down to where I want to be (only 60 pounds til my final goal). I told Jeff we needed to think about it and he says he’ll try to stay up tonight so we can talk about it…..I just can’t make my mind up that fast. This is a HUGE decision and will take alot of time to think about it. We didn’t plan on having Jacob when we did and I don’t regret him for one second..I just want the next kid to be planned out and fit our situation.
{ February 18, 2008 @ 6:59 am }
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{ Uncategorized }
{ Tags: anger, cheating, depression, family, hurt, issues, marriage problems, trust }
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Have you ever had to pretend like everything was alright? Have you ever had to put on a fake smile just so people won’t ask you if you’re ok? Have you ever had to pretend like everything was peachy keen in your marriage? Have you ever had to pretend that you feel loved? Have you ever questioned whether or not you truly should be where you are right now? Have you ever just wanted to open the door, hop in your car and take off..and never come back?
It’s like a switch sometimes. I can turn it off when I come home and turn it back on when I leave. That fake smile that gets me through the day. I feel like I’m getting worse every single day. Each day I’m telling myself everything’s alright and I can make it one more day. I repeat the same phrase everyday when I look in the mirror, “everything’s alright, you’re loved and appreciated….you can do this”. I never believe it but maybe if I repeat it enough I’ll start to think it’s true. Truth is, I can’t do it. I fear each morning when I watch Jeff go out the door to work that this will be the day my marriage falls apart. I’m not looking for sympathy, I’m not asking for advice….this is my time to vent. I come home from a horrible day of work to find that Jeff is still sitting at the computer….exactly where he was when I left for work 10 hours previous. I often read his chat logs and don’t like what I read and it worries me. He loves to add random women off Facebook onto his MSN and chat with them. My in-laws gave us a cam for christmas and he’s been on it lately….I’ve come to find out that he’s taken “naughty pics” of himself on this cam…..Just from reading his chat logs. I also read one day that he’s got a secret email address, which he denies to this day. He’s so secretive and I’ve asked him to be open with me, it never works. I feel like I’m married to a stranger and it’s only for his convienience because we have a son together. I’ve never truly felt loved, maybe there really is something wrong with me. I cry everyday because I’m scared life will fall apart. I don’t know what he’s doing when I’m at work…making money for us. It makes me sick just thinking about it. I want to grab the cam’s and smash them, spreading the peices on the floor leading to the room where all my stuff is gone….as is Jacob’s…and we’re nowhere to be found. I can end this heartbreak and start new. My heart aches in this marriage…..It really does. And I can’t talk to anyone about it because they tell me to leave and get a divorce……..Again, I’m not looking for advice or comments, I’m just venting. I want to cry 24 hours a day. I look into Jacob’s eyes and it makes me even more depressed because he’s so young and has no idea that Daddy is talking to all these strange women and ignoring him all day. I feel like such a bad mom.
Jeff says I have trust issues and that it’s hard to be with someone who can’t trust…..So far I haven’t been given a reason to….being totally honest. I fucking hate this life and I hate myself for choosing it. There are no words I can say that will change anything. I’ve told him how uncomfortable I am with him chatting with all these women, calling them at home, camming with them….asking for inappropriate pics, he says it’s nothing….so I try to believe him. I mean, what kind of life is this? Should I leave or stay? Should I speak up and start yet another fight or should I keep my mouth shut and let it build up? I can’t do this. I can’t go on trying to make myself believe everything’s alright when no one truly cares. I’m so alone right now. I’m so hurt. I’m so…..normal?
{ February 14, 2008 @ 5:16 pm }
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{ Uncategorized }
{ Tags: broken heart, depression, marriage problems, mommy }
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I honestly don’t know what to do anymore. I try to make things right and I try my hardest to make the best environment for my family but nothing seems to work. In the end, I’m still depressed and feel completely alone. I can clean this place til it sparkles and you can see your reflection in the floor but 5 minutes later it’s a complete disaster again. I can cook a fabulous meal with all the trimmings, spend all day in the kitchen making dinner and dessert, but after it’s all over and done, I still feel like shit. I don’t feel loved like I should either. I look in my husbands eyes and I just don’t feel like I’m truly loved. He tells me he loves me but there’s always a voice in the back of my head that says “no he doesn’t”. That’s not normal, that’s not healthy. I don’t know what to do. I mean, what can I do? I’m so sad.
I’ve been worried that my husband is going to start fooling around behind my back. It’s not like we get alot of time together. We see each other in the morning before he goes to work and at night when I come home from work. The only time we get together that’s not in passing is on Saturdays when we’ve both finished a LONG day at work, Sunday when he’s had a day off and I’m in a bad mood when I come home from work, Monday after he gets home from work (and watches wrestling) and then all day Tuesday. It sounds like alot but it’s not. A couple can’t go on like that. We don’t get to have sex as much as we’d like, our relationship suffers and we don’t talk for days. Last night we got into a fight and we didn’t get to sleep til almost 2am. Then we were up before 7 because Jacob has decided that he needs to wake up around 6:30 the past couple of days….great fun. I always feel like Jeff is sneaking around behind my back. Alternate email addresses, phone calls after Jacob’s in bed, women calling his work etc. Happy women don’t have these thoughts. I’m worried that he doesn’t find me as attractive anymore and that he’ll find someone better than me. I’ve thought about his feelings towards our relationship and his regrets and if he’d be happier without Jacob and I. I’ve often thought of leaving Jeff for a bit and giving our relationship some space, but then the thoughts and the daydreaming seems to go into overtime. What do I do? What can I do? Where do I go from here? Somebody? Anybody???
I’m losing my mind.
{ February 8, 2008 @ 7:15 pm }
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{ Uncategorized }
{ Tags: family, kids, love, parenting, sick }
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With those big blue eyes staring up at me, nose runny and red, Jacob coughs and says “oh momma”. My heart melts instantly and I pick him up. He cries everytime I wipe his nose and all I can do is hold him close and tell him everything’s ok. I’ve tried to get him to drink liquids and make sure he’s eating his meals. I can tell he hates to eat because his nose is so stuffed and runny. Last night all he wanted to eat for dinner was the homemade hamburger buns that I had made for our “mini-hamburgers”. He practically jumped and ran to the bathroom when I told him it was “shower time”. I give him all the snacks he wants (that he’s not allowed to have normally) and make sure he’s dressed comfortably. A few days ago when he was with our babysitter I made sure he had a long sleve shirt on and some jogging pants, along with his spiderman bobble head slippers….I was very shocked to find him still wearing everything when I got home several hours later from work. Yesterday he wasn’t feeling that good after his nap so I made him a bed on the recliner (on the end of our sectional) and put on one of his favourite movies. He seemed to enjoy it and half way through the movie, he was up and back to his old self. Last night he got into so much trouble, he had two time outs within half an hour of each other.
He asked for an apple, and I said no. Then he kept asking for 5 minutes straight, so I caved, peeled and cored an apple, sliced it up and gave it to him. I went back to cleaning up the dinner dishes but when I walked around the corner to clean off a plate in the garbage I noticed the trouble he had gotten into with his apple. He chewed it up and spit it all out ALL OVER THE CARPET! That was time out #1. Time out #2 came when he took his sippy cup of diluted apple juice and spit it all over himself, the carpet and the furniture.
It’s strange how kids can go from looking like death to being full of energy and raise hell.
