I got a call from the dr’s office today reguarding my surgery. They’ve booked me for April 2 (for my right wrist) at 7:30am and April 16th (for my left) at 9am. I’m kinda excited, I mean I’ll probably never wake up with numb hands ever again. At the same time I feel really bad for not being able to work for that whole month and I’ll be leaving everyone short-handed at work. I’ve been told that I might be off work longer than a month since I do alot of heavy lifting and use my hands alot. We shall see I guess.
I’m kinda frustrated on top of my excitement. I’ve been trying to change the way I do things with my life. I’ve started to pay off more debts from my past, I’ve made an effort to get everything clean everyday instead of procrastinating, and I’m trying to make a big effort to change my eating habits and get more exercise. I’ve lost 30 pounds since the wedding (which is AWSOME!!!) and I want to lose more. I also want to take alot of the stress out of my life and quit smoking (again) this year. These are NOT resolutions for a new year, these are just things I’ve been wanting to do for a few years and I’m finally going to push myself to do them. Jeff has started (somewhat) to help me out more around here when it comes to chores and taking care of Jacob. My dr says I’m depressed and need to take pills but I don’t want to take them. I’m going to start taking my vitamins again and treat myself better.
I have this problem when I see someone looking at me in a store or even on the street and I think that they’re judging me for how big I am or how I’m dressed or even how Jacob is dressed and it eats me inside. I sit there and make things worse than they actually are. Jeff once said that he hates it when we go clothes shopping and the salespeople are a size 2, they way they look at me when I’m looking for clothes is just plain rude. If you go into a plus size section and start looking at something that you think would look nice, the salespeople should not snicker or whisper to the person next to them. There are alot of people out there that are bigger than me and I’m not exactly massively overweight but there’s still alot of people out there that can’t accept overweight people for who they are. I’m not my size, I’m a person. When we go grocery shopping or eat in a restaurant, I feel guilty because I always feel like someone’s watching what I’m doing. I work in a restaurant where the boss has said rude things about overweight people to my face and I can’t get those words out of my head. I’m ashamed to be seen by him…my boss. The person who pays me to work for him. A middle aged man who can’t stand the sight of overweight people. Why are there so many people out there in the world like him? Do they know what effect they have on people like us when they say things like that? Do they realize that we struggle everyday just to look in the mirror and accept ourselves or even love ourselves? I can’t stand the world we live in. I pray everyday that Jacob grows up to love himself and NOT be overweight like his mother. God, please don’t let my children be like me.
No wonder I’m depressed.
